what happened to janine? (posted by janine)

Hey everyone,

Wow... I've been bad at blogging. To be honest, I think I let myself slip down pretty heavy into some kinda weird depression. I'm not sure whether it stems from a new life change with moving and whatnot, or other little things compounding, but I certainly haven't felt so awesome this past week. My new apartment is great. I really like it here. And my new room mate -- Jenn -- is very cool and sweet. We get along very well. But I've been to this place before where boredom overcomes and I'm left with feeling kinda sorry for myself and feeling like a bit of a loser. I start to isolate and whatnot which is why I haven't been blogging. It's crappy. I haven't been to the gym in a while and my body is starting to scold me for it. In terms of eating, I think I've been making healthy choices, but have by no means been cutting back a bunch or eating like I'm on a diet. I've just been eating like me... which is generally pretty healthy anyway. A little raw, mostly vegetarian, sometimes I slip and buy a frozen pizza, and I eat chocolate and stuff. I still haven't figured out my intestinal complications. I'm pretty convinced it's wheat and gluten, but I have had a difficult time cutting wheat out of my diet entirely. I've been trying to eat plenty of foods that should be easy on my digestive system and beneficial. Seems to not be doing the trick. I wonder if something is wrong with my absorption or something.

As far as depression goes, I know that it will pass and I'll once again feel at the top of my game. It's all too like me to wander in and out of existential crisis when I have no body but myself to pay attention to. I try to remind myself that just because I'm alone does not have to mean that I am lonely. But I suppose it's true that people need people. Or goals. Or something that feels vital and important to them. I notice that I when I was young I used to do things simply for the joy that they gave me. Like being creative and making things with my hands. These days I feel like I don't do much of this. Maybe it's based in the fact that I'm awfully self-critical, and I wonder in the end who else my creativity benefits. Even with music I'm very self-critical.

But I forgot how much therapy there is in speaking of it and keeping in contact with everyone and blogging. It does make me feel far less alone.

Though everyone has experienced occasional slips and hiccups, I'm really happy that everyone is still trying and exploring and working at something... even if it's not a fully conscious effort. We're learning. I'm also very thrilled that my mom made it through surgery as well as she has. It's just a testament to her willpower.

I think I will make some tilapia this evening with veggies. And I would also like to take my butt to the gym.

neenie