Denial is a Sneaky thing! (Posted by Angie)

Hi Everyone,

Thanks Ham for your words of encouragement and wisdom. I have been thinking a lot about my "comfort" zone and why I choose to engage at times in what I know intellectually to be unhealthy eating and other habits. The fact that I have created what I know to be an unhealthy lifestyle and taking responsibility for that and still denying to change on a very basic level leads me to try to investigate the reasons for that denial in myself. That self talk that you gave as an example...where just one bowl of ice cream won't make a huge difference or eating chips or whatever those evils may be and the excuses we give ourselves internally to continue those habits are simply unacceptable. The excuses will only delay the desired outcome. So why am I delaying it? I think with your Harvey guru you have accountability and a weekly reminder of what is possible as well as a "plan". At work I know that not much can be accomplished in a day if I don't start at the beginning with a breakdown of what I will do in the appropriate time frame to accomplish each task. Imagine if I have a goal and do nothing to work towards it. Imagine I want to get a pile of paper off my desk and consistantly avoid that pile by doing other things that don't pertain to my intended goal. That pile of paper will not go away by itself. It will sit there until I actually take the steps to eliminate it. I can give all the excuses in the world why I "can't" get rid of the paper... and it will still be sitting there staring at me by the end of the day. It will knaw at me when I leave at the end of the day that it is still there for the next day with perhaps more paper added for me to deal with on the next day. If I continue eventually my boss will notice and will ask "what's up with the paper?". Eventually I will be fired because... Hey I didn't do my job!

Similarly if I ignore the fat, continue to avoid the appropriate steps to get rid of it, it won't go away (how simple is this to understand?) and my body will display unhealthy symptoms as a reminder that it can't continue ignoring the work to be done. I'll get sick and possibly die (fired) from years of neglecting the work that needed to be done. And it is nobody's fault but my own.

I think denying has a lot to do with how I view myself... what I feel worthy of and also my fears based on past experiences. These are very deep seeded truths that sometimes are hard to look at and that have externalized ultimately in the body I now carry. The weight of negative experiences and burying them and denying them and refusing to deal with feelings that are not so pretty at times stares back at me in the mirror. I'm not saying this to "be" negative because I know that is no help in resurrecting a positive self image. But I think that learning to listen to my thoughts and the ongoing conversation I have with myself helps me to identify who I am and understand that I am the only one that can change the course of that internal conversation in a more positive direction. I think that I do this for others, or try to... so why not give myself the benefit of kind understanding. I get annoyed at people who preach one thing but don't do what they preach themselves. But you know what... I am just as guilty of that. If you are going to Talk the Talk then you have to Walk the Walk. Do for myself what I would do for others. This is so simple and yet so hard to do. Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.

So I'm getting on with it!

Love,
Angie