Neener back on it... (posted by Janine)

This blog is such tool of support for me. Knowing that everyone cares enough to help one another along and encourage one another makes me feel so much less alone in the process of finding vibrant, and long-term health. I feel at peace with the choices that I've made recently. It's interesting how actually making a strong decision and not just floating blindly through the nexus can enlighten you and bring you inner peace. Finding an apartment is a total relief, but actually deciding that this was a good choice for me, was essential. I was very back and forth between leaving my life behind and being strong enough to muscle my way through my own personal disappointments and see the positivity in possibility of my life here today. The thought of returning to school to study something (Holistic Nutrition) that has deeply interested me over the past 6 or 7 years seems like a no-brainer. To be given the knowledge which I can empower others with so they can achieve their best possible state of nutritional well-being would seem less like a job and more like a blessing. I've always been tormented by the thought that the things that I've chosen to do with my time don't make a real essential or healthy impact on the world. Music, for me, seems like on of the most self-absorbed forms of art. I love making music, but I still feel that it is far too "hey look at me" rather than a huge help to others. But I still love it and it brings me joy most days, so I owe it to myself to continue creating music until I'm done with the world. But school and the essential "back-up plan" feels like a good thing to have kicking around.

I was a total ass this weekend in the diet department and I'm up 2.5 pounds since my bottom weight. No doubt most of this is hanging out in my intestines, but it's still a bugger. Jess makes a good point to not totally rely on scales. But it's a good indication to make sure to monitor your eliminations and make sure your body is digesting and getting rid of waste within a reasonable time frame. If you want to know if your eliminating well, eat some corn with your meal and see how long it takes to show up. That'll give you an indication of how long food is rotting in your body.

I made some bad choices this weekend and I paid for it this morning as my guts are really feeling shitty. I had lots of raw foods and vegetable roti yesterday as well as some KD that Jess made for us (which I don't really even consider to be real food, but it's comforting, nostalgic and delicious... in the moment). After I eat bigger, cooked meals that are harder to digest I always wake with a stomach ache in the morning. Today was the exact same feeling. When I eat lighter raw foods, I never experience morning stomach aches. And the guilt you feel for inflicting this pain on your body is just a useless emotion. So I need to avoid feeling this. It's the kind of thing that makes your self-worth sort of plummet and can cause the downward spiral that leaves you bathing in a pudding bath while stuffing bacon and mayonnaise down your throat. So no screwing around... this is serious stuff. And I want to get to my goal and feel proud that I made it.

One excellent thing about my new place is that I'll be living closer to the gym that I belong to. There will be one by my work and one by my house. So I'm going to work on designing a routine for myself and going 3-4 times per week to start and increasing this later. In addition I will continue to walk everywhere that I can and try to keep track of my progress. I also noticed just yesterday that they've opened up a Weight Watchers meeting location in my neighbourhood on Roncesvalles at Cookerydoo. I was considering signing up. Perhaps that would be something that Jess and I could commit to doing together. I know that Jess won't always be able to make the meetings with her schedule, but perhaps it would be just that extra burst of encouragement that we need to reach our goals. Plus, it gives you something else to do rather then veg out on the couch.

I realise that I still haven't busted out my "fat story". So here it goes. I've had a ravenous appetite for as long as I can remember. I don't know whether it came from nutritionally devoid meals in my childhood or just loving food. Food always felt like a reward for good behaviour. But I knew that the way that I ate was different from the way my friends ate. My best friend Stephanie ate like a bird her whole life and growing up with her really made our differences stand out. Her mother would take us to MacDonalds and I would order the 9 pack of chicken McNuggets and eat the whole thing, while Steph would order a 6 pack and not finish the whole thing. And every time I was with her I always tried to play down my appetite. I would try to not eat as much cause I didn't want them to think my eating habits where bad, when really I could've eaten and eaten everything in sight. Steph and her bird-like family had something that myself and my family did not have. Control. They could have fancy goodies in the house and they would snack on them on occasion. In my house, the goodies didn't last long once they entered the house. Perhaps it's just a genetic thing to have this kind of appetite. I'm not sure. I still have an incredible appetite to this day and can eat large quantities of food. This is why raw foods are the best choice for me. I can eat as much as I'd like without fear of fatting up. Once they can harness the chemical that tells your brain that you've had enough and to stop consuming, I'm going to buy a keg of that stuff and have them feed it to me intravenously while I'm sleeping.

So I just got fatter and fatter and fatter as I got older. I had few friends in elementary school and got teased a bit and alienated for my fatness. But I was fairly lucky in the fact that I was charismatic enough to make friends and even be in the "cool crowd" as I entered Junior High school. I was a fatty, but the boys all liked me and were good friend with me because I was different from the other girls. I was funny and laid back and they didn't want to date me cause I was fat. So instead I'd talk to boys on the phone for hours and hours and we'd laugh about stuff and I'd tell them which one of my girlfriends liked them. But I couldn't get a boyfriend out of any of it.

When I entered high school I became incredibly isolated and depressed. One of my best friends -- Ryan Foster -- had drown in the lake the summer before I started grade 9. That was a terrible blow. I was down a friend, a whopping 185 lbs (at the young age of 13), and also best friends with a pretty negative person. So I spent the 1st year of high school hiding away with this very negative friend of mine and hating just about everything. It wasn't until my best friend got fed up with the school and transferred elsewhere and I also started taking Karate that my life and attitude took a turn for the better. I started being more social and making friends and I also started to lose weight. By the time I graduate I was around 150 - 155lbs.

After high school my weight fluctuated between 150 and 165lbs. During the time I was with Benoit I got depressed about my weight and the relationship again. So I moved out and we broke up in the middle of our 4.5 year relationship (170 lbs). This was right around the time that I first learned of raw veganism. Something clicked in my dinosaur brain. December 4th, 2002. I even remember the date. So I started eating raw foods a bit and by the new year I had decided to eat almost exclusively raw. I ate raw for about 3 months and got down to about 140lbs. I continued eating about 50-70% raw for the entire year. Interestingly, I did not get sick once that year. Not even a sniffle. It was the healthiest year of my life. Since that time of my life my weight has fluctuated between 135lbs and 145lbs. Can you believe that? Just base on the knowledge that I found I've been able to stabilize my weight. If I find that I'm a little heavier, I'll eat raw for a few days and my weight will come back down again. Safely and naturally. I also generally have made healthier choices. More vegetarian and vegan meals than meat meals. Lots of health-foody things. It's all about learning what kinds of foods are optimal for your body and cutting out those foods which hurt your body and make you fat.

Certainly food consumption is not the only thing that has changed in my life. My level of fitness has also increased. Due to the fluctuating climate, I tend to naturally exercise in the summer months. I love to run. I really enjoy yoga. Walking is my favourite form of exercise. I'm not much of a weight lifter or ab trainer, but I'm hoping to turn that stuff around and start working on toning rather than just losing fat. But being at this weight for me has been totally eye-opening. I can walk a flight of stairs without losing breath. I can walk forever without getting tired. I can participate in activities that I used to be scared or embarrassed to try. My theighs don't rub together when I walk. I can fit into clothes and they fit more comfortabley and less restictively. It's really changed my life in so many wonderful ways.

I'm still a little far from my own personal goal, which I've never quite made it to yet. But I still wonder if I will forever feel like the fat girl. I see women who are much bigger than me, but I still feel like regardless of who's bigger, I have so much in common and can really relate to them. Like all of us are these beautiful people on the inside but our "fat suits" are hiding all of our abundant beauty and potential. We miss out on so much because we have so many emotional and social issues surrounding our appearance. I carry deeply seeded pain and self-consciousness over my appearance. I wonder when I will be satisfied and completely confident. I wonder what that will feel like. If my body for my whole life has been like a prison, I wonder what freedom will feel like. How self-actualizing it will be. I'm excited and eager to find out...

neenie