Lorna # something or other

Hi Everyone,
This has been one hectic week - driving all over for wor - Lake Erie, Kawartha Lakes, Orillia and back. Lots of assessments, lots of work, lots of evenings and weekend typing, typing typing away for hours and hours on those dreaded medical-legal reports. I have to keep reminding myself why I am doing this..... . . .

Oh yeah, now I remember - so that I can support myself, and so I can take enough time off to go to Morocco, go north in the summer, stay off work for a few weeks after Jenn and Josh have their baby until they are self-sufficient with their routines, etc. To live a full life, with adventures.

I got a new cooler, and it is working better in the hot car. It takes so much preparation to take everything with me when I am on the road - freezer packs, healthy snacks, fruit, cut-up veggies, main vegetarian meal (usually someting from the Big Carrot mixed with some cooked whole grains), lots and lots of water - the cooler weighs a ton as I lug it to the car in the morning. But, having stuff with me keeps me on track.

Today, I was up in Coboconk, Ontario for an assessment (drove over 400 km. round trip), and I just needed a break, and went to a drive-through Harvies for a veggie burger, and (confession time) a coke (bad idea - got edgy with the caffeine) and onion rings (very weak moment that! tasted good at the time, felt like lead belly afterwards). The endless learning curve. I am definitely not tolerating junk food much any more. But, that was my first and only slip this week.

I am still keeping up training and/or cardio 6 days a week. I am very proud of that.

AND, I am still not losing any weight. Just plain stuck. This is an old syndrome for me - doing all the right stuff, not getting any reward/success, and then giving up with all sorts of excuses to give up (it's genetics, fat is beautiful, accept myself the way I am rather than trying to change myself, etc. etc.)

I absolutely refuse to give up this time. There has to be a way through for me. What I am doing now is very healthy and my energy level is amazing. I am also losing inches with all of my training.

This is a very big challenge for me - not to give in or give up. I have carried this weight for so many years. I really don't know what the answer is. I want to believe that there is an answer, a way, for the unhealthy part of my weight to slowly but surely drop away.

I think that deep down in my psyche, I don't believe that it is possible. I seem to be able, sooner or later, to find creative and meaningful answers to all of life's challenges except for this. There is definitely some sort of "holding" going on, but I just can't get to it.

I also cannot get over how calm I am feeling about finally letting go of my need for Walter to be any different that he is. Just letting go. Moving on. The past is the past. I am actually feeling good about being a single woman right now. I have not felt this sincerely good since our break-up. I am very proud of getting myself to this place in my life. Holding on to him, to that sorrow, was dragging me endlessly down.

That's what I mean - I can trust myself to get through even the toughest of things eventually. Except weight loss.

I have mixed feelings tonight - very pleased at how well I am doing, and very frustrated at the lack of weight loss. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Jenny, hold your ears again. I am swearing up a blue streak!)

Well, dear Platz family, I am so looking forward to Sunday. If Jenn is able to come, I will bring her with me.
Love, Lorna - healthy and stuck at the same time