(posted by Jessie)

I started writing this note about my day, and what I ate, and how I did exercises just 30 mins ago in my room, but I caught up in Greys Anatomy. I havent watched in some time, but I do know that each time I cant help but cry. This episode has made me shed many....a dad on life support, and no chance of survival, and the family (George being the son) having to make the decision to take him off the support. Instantly, I pictured my dad being that man (sorry dad, but you know me....all emotion when it comes to life and death) and it only made me worry more and be even more sad. I know death is inevitable, and I see it plenty at work, but, when it comes to those you love, even me, a nurse who has seen it all already in such a short time, is unable to cope with even the idea of family/friends dying. I have had this fear actually for years...I think I can safely say it here, and dad, I have already told you this...that dad will die of a heart attack from being over weight and having a stressful career, and I won't have him in my life anymore. I have these thoughts from time to time about others too. I know we can all do "what ifs", and it is of no use maybe, but I cant help it. Anyhow, I suppose the link to me saying this on here is we are not here to only "look good", but be healthy. At work today, me and my colleagues were hearing about patients who went home in the last year who had died...and many of these patients I was close with. A female patient who I knew before surgery, post operatively, (and she coded as they tied off her carotid to save her life from a massive post op bleed, therefore losing major brain function) and after she "stroked" from the carotid being tied off. She use to sit at the nursing station just to be with us. Or I would walk with her in the halls with her arm through mine and I would tell her stories. Before the carotid being tied off, and better yet, before he massive surgery, she was one cool and hip young 56 yr old woman. She had dyed fire red hair. She was a little firecracker in personality too, and we got along well! She died a week ago I am sad to say. I also heard that a patient that we sent to the ICU a few weeks ago (I was taking part in the code - standing on the window sill, documenting, yelling his vitals etc as they intubated and did compressions etc) has died. This man has a wife, she is from the Philippines and has not one other family member in Canada. I feel for her. I guess my job really takes an emotional toll, and I dont realize it all the time. But I wanted to share my deepest fears with you all, while sharing a little of my work, and most importantly, I wanted to ask you to all get healthy so we can live together for a long time. Lets lose weight so we lessen our chances of health problems. We deserve to be healthy and happy. More another time, I am sorry this is so depressing and possibly confusing. I was upset during typing this, but feel better now. Thanks for "listening".

Love you all! Jess